the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
