I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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