This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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