But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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