that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
