so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
