last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
