You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
