just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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