we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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