so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
