I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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