So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
