I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
