if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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