Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
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Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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