He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
