I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
