I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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