i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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