just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
