Your mouth is God's brothel.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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