I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
