you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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