It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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