WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
