after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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