ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish I could punch you in the face.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
