I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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