I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
