dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
