I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
