I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
