Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
