At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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