she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You are the jesus of drinking
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
