It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
