Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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