My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
