Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
