please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
God I need to hump something, right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
