I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
