The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
