Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
