Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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