Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I need water and some morals
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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