I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
