they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
