it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
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Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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