They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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