I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?