My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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