I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
