Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
