Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
