i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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