Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
